March 12, 2013

I skype interviewed Chrisanna Northrup, the co-author of New York Times bestseller The Normal Bar: The Surprising Secrets of Happy Couples and What They Reveal About Creating A New Normal in Your Relationship for our Pleasure Mechanics youtube channel. It was fascinating.

The book explains the data gathered from the most extensive survey of romantic relationships ever done. It looked at what “normal” behavior was among happy couples to see what we could learn from them. They surveyed over 70,000 people, many of whom were couples that have been together for decades and still find themselves happy and in love, and reported what their behavior was. (For comparison the previous sexual survey’s were Shere Hite’s who surveyed 4000 and Masters and Johnson’s who surveyed 510 couples.) So this really is the most extensive survey to date by a long shot.

The premise of the book is that this data creates a blueprint for the behaviors to prioritize and implement in your relationship. By adding these behaviors into your relationship you can improve the quality of your relationship and set yourselves up to thrive. In a way it takes away the mystery of what creates a happy relationship and answers the question of what makes a happy relationship. Then it is up to each of us to prioritize and implement these behaviors and see how it changes our relationship.

Here is a summary of some of what they found, for more detail pop over and watch some of my 2-4 min interview clips with the author!

• Whether in year one or thirty of a relationship, happy couples report having sex 3-4 times a week, with the exception of the first year after having a child.  Happy couples included passionate kissing and hand holding outside of the bedroom and incorporated non-sexual affection often in their relationship. 85% of those that love having sex with their partner kiss passionately.

• 74% of extremely happy relationships incorporated massage into their life together.

• People reported being happier in relationships if they thought of and treated their partner as their best friend instead of as a passionate lover or teammate.

• The happiest couples made date nights a priority and found they had to be at least 2x a month, ideally 1x a week and also those couples made time for romantic vacations without kids throughout their relationship.

• 86% of people are intrigued by the prospect of having kinky sex – 78% of women and 94% of men. This suggests that couples communicate about what they are thinking about instead of just wondering about it for 2o years, as in all likelihood your partner is intrigued as well.

• 78% of partners are bringing women to climax by touching, (fingering or oral sex) not intercourse and only 4% of people consider it unsatisfying.

On the other hand, the survey highlighted a few issues not to worry about any more:

• 96% of men masturbate, 82% of women do. It is normal.

• Masturbation is an addition to a relationship, it allows for more sex to occur in a relationship, thus is an asset to a relationship, not a detriment.

• Most men, straight or gay, use porn and unless the habit becomes an obsession, it does not threaten the relationship, though most heterosexual women resent it.

• Fantasizing within a relationship has zero correlation between satisfaction in the relationship or sexual intimacy, so go for it!

• Men’s sexual fantasy was most likely to be a threesome that included their wives or partners. Women were most likely to think about an old flame.

• And even 34% of extremely happy couples think about breaking up from time to time!

So in summary, share affectionate touch, massage, hold hands, kiss passionately in the bedroom and outside of it, don’t worry about your fantasy’s, communicate about them instead. Make time to date your partner, no matter how many years you’ve been in relationship! These are the behaviors that make for a happy relationship over the years.

Is it possible to prioritize your relationship and intentionally add a few more of these behaviors into your relationship and see if it makes a difference?

What do YOU think about these findings.

Does anything seem surprising?

Is there anything you might let go of worrying about?

Or is there anything you’d try to add into your relationship to see if you can create an even better relationship?

I’d love to hear in the comments!

I’m wishing for you the very best relationship you can possibly imagine!

Love,

Charlotte Mia Rose

March 19, 2013