April 8, 2013
In this piece I wrote about how sexual shame affects men, here I will cover how it impacts women. I will also admit that I am completely obsessed with Brene Brown’s work, I refer to her as “BB” in our home because I mention her work so often. I figure if someone with a Ph.D spends twelve years researching what separates out successful, fulfilled, whole hearted humans from unfulfilled humans I want to listen and learn!
We are delving into shame and how it affects women. Shaming women not only of course affect women’s lives, but also men and sex.
“Look perfect. Do perfect. Be perfect. Anything less than that is shaming…never enough at home. Never enough at work. Never enough in bed…Shame is never enough.”
(All quotes from Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way we Live, Love, Parent and Lead p 68-90)
We all experience shame in all areas of our lives, but the primary, universal way women experience shame is around how we look.
“After all the consciousness-raising and critical awareness, we still feel the most shame about being thin, young and beautiful enough. Interestingly in terms of shame triggers for women, motherhood is a close second. And (bonus!) you don’t have to be a mother to experience mother shame. Society views womanhood and motherhood as inextricably bound; therefore our value as women is often determined by where we are in relation to our roles as mothers or potential mothers. Women are constantly asked why they aren’t married or, if they’re married, why they haven’t had children. Even women who are married and have one child are often asked why they haven’t had a second child. If you are working outside the home, the first question is “What about the children?” If you’re not working, the first question is “What kind of example are you setting for your daughters?” . Mother shame is ubiquitous – its a birthright for girls and women.
The real struggle for women – what amplifies shame regardless of category – is that we’re expected (and sometimes desire) to be perfect, yet we’re not allowed to look as if we are working for it. We want it to just materialize somehow . Everything should be effortless. The expectation is to be natural beauties, natural mothers, natural leaders.”
In a US study on “conformity to feminine norms” …”being feminine” is still considered “being nice, pursuing a thin body ideal, showing modesty by not calling attention to one’s talents or abilities, being domestic, caring for children, investing in a romantic relationship, keeping sexual intimacy contained within one committed relationship, and using our resources to invest in our appearance…Basically, we have to be willing to stay small, sweet, and quiet as possible, and use our time and talent to look pretty. Our dreams, ambitions and gifts are unimportant. God forbid that some young girl who has the cure for cancer tucked away in her abilities finds this list and decides to follow the rules. If she does, we’ll never know her genius – and I feel sure of that. Why? Because every successful woman who I’ve interviewed has talked to me about the sometimes daily struggle to push past “the rules” so she can assert herself, advocate for her ideas, and feel comfortable with her power and gifts.” (all quotes from p 85-89)
So unfortunately these “societal norms aren’t outdated, even if they’re reductionist and squeeze the life out of us, and shame is the route to enforcing them. Which is another reminder of why shame resilience is a prerequisite for vulnerability.”
Anytime you experience shame, especially around your body or any aspect of your mothering (or lack of) please know that these are tools of cultural oppression especially designed to hurt the most. Remember that shaming, whether from an external source or your internalized voice of that cultural idea are intended to keep you small.
This is so much of why I paint women’s bodies, as I intend to celebrate the female body, remind us of its glory, majesty and potential. I sometimes imagine how much energy would be freed up in this world to create magnificent things that we can’t even imagine if all Western women no longer felt shame about their body. Wouldn’t the world look different, if those hours and hours of internalized self loathing evaporated, or were transformed into loving our bodies as they are, while being at peace with our choices as mothers. Without beating ourselves up daily, women would have so much more energy each day to create more love in their personal lives and family, not to mention professional success. All this is possible if we each individually start practicing shame resilience.
Anytime you feel shame about your body, or how well you are mothering know that you can enact shame resilience, and to do so is a powerful act of self creation. This is true not only for you, but each time you choose to dissolve your shame you make it easier for other women to do, because we create culture together. Shame will never go away, we just have to develop ninja tools to navigate it and dissolve it.
And men, please know that how you choose to talk to women about their bodies and mothering matter, whether she is your lover, daughter, sister or co-worker. We create a culture together, conversation by conversation. Encourage women and girls to speak their minds, goals and dreams and let them know that they are more than just what they look like and that they don’t have to do everything perfectly or look perfect to be loved or respected.
So what is shame resilience? What do we have to do when we have a moment of shame.
Firstly, know that shame is experienced as physical pain in the body, even though it is an emotional feeling, the body processes it, literally, as pain. Feel a little more compassionate for yourself?
1. Share your experience with someone you care about and trust. The instinct is to hide, but counter intuitively sharing your experience and getting empathy from someone else helps to neutralize the feeling.
“Because shame is a social concept – it happens between people – it also heals best between people. A social wound needs a social balm, and empathy is that balm.” (p.75)
2.Talk to yourself kindly, as if talking to a small child or to someone you really love. Instinctively in these moments we tend to talk to ourselves with a vitriol that we would never talk to anyone else with. Talk kindly to yourself.
3. Assess your expectations for yourself, are they realistic or attainable? Then own your story ” If you own this story you get to write the ending.” (Summarized from p.75 and 80)
Eg. Is it humanly possible to be a full time stay at home mother and a full time working mom as you might image you should be able to effortlessly in some mythical, magical universe. No, its not humanly possible. Instead you are making choices and the choice you have made is a perfectly fine one, with plus sides and minuses that you have no doubt assessed and chosen because you think it is best for you and your family.
Be kind to yourself!
Perfection is impossible.
It is a myth and a trap that you have to see and share with others through kind conversation before you can release yourself from its seductive grasp.
Each time you apply ninja moves to slay shame it will help you thrive and lead a richer life and (bonus!) it helps all of us wake from our shame slumber!
Have you experimented with intercepting your automatic shame response with conversation, compassion and re-writing your story? How has it worked for you?
Sending much love with a bucket-load of compassion!
Charlotte Mia Rose
April 3, 2013