March 27, 2013

I want to cover something that may sound deeply unsexy: vulnerability. Talking about this may not seem like the most direct path to having a more pleasurable sensual life. But bear with me, sometimes looking at a subject that is foundational and lying beneath so many of our interactions for all of us allows us to get to the sexy, delicious stuff more often!

Brene Brown, Ph.D. has one of the most watched TED talks of all time. She is a social science researcher who has spent the last 10 years studying shame and vulnerability.

In her book Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, she talks about a research group interview where she was studying how people experienced sexual vulnerability.

A woman shared “It’s not easy to have sex and keep your stomach sucked in. How can we get into in when we’re worried about our back fat?”  The young vet who had (previously) shared the story of his divorce slammed his hand down on his desk and shouted, “It’s not about the back fat! You’re worried about it. We’re not. We don’t give a shit!” Stop making up all of this stuff about what we are thinking! What we are really thinking is “Do you love me? Do you care about me? Do you want me? Am I important to you? Am I good enough? That’s what we’re thinking, When it comes to sex, it feels like our life is on the line, and you’re worried about that crap?” At that point, half of the young men in the room were so emotional that they had their faces in their hands. A few girls were in tears…The young woman who had brought up the body image issue said, “I don’t understand. My last boyfriend was always criticizing my body.” The young vet who had just brought us all to our knees replied, “That’s because he’s an asshole. It’s not because he is a guy. Some of us are just guys. Give us a break. Please. A middle aged man in the group joined in, staring straight down at his desk. “It’s true. When you want to be with us…in that way…it makes us feel more worthy. We stand a little taller. Believe in ourselves more. I don’t know why, but it’s true. And I’ve been married since I was eighteen. It still feels that way with my wife.

Brown went on to interview many more men about shame. In one interview with a therapist “he explained that from the time boys are eight to ten years old, they learn that initiating sex is their responsibility and that sexual rejection soon becomes the hallmark of masculine shame. He explained, “Even in my own life, when my wife isn’t interested, I still have to battle feelings of shame. It doesn’t matter if I intellectually understand why she’s not in the mood. I’m vulnerable and it’s very difficult.” Professionally he studied addiction and pornography use. “He said,” For five bucks and five minutes, you think you’re getting what you need, and you don’t have to risk rejection.”

We are not used to the idea that sex is vulnerable for men, that risking sexual rejection can put their self-worth at risk and that sex itself can be an extremely vulnerable act. We tend to understand this a bit more for women. We have to risk vulnerability to really live a full and rich life. That daring to be vulnerable may lead to more uncomfortable moments as you are not staying safe but ultimately leads to a life where we have loved, lived and been seen more fully.

“As I look back on what I’ve learned about shame, gender, and worthiness, the greatest lesson is this: If we’re going to find out way out of shame and back to each other, vulnerability is the path and courage is the light. To set down our lists of what we’re supposed to be is brave. To love ourselves and support each other in the process of becoming real is perhaps the greatest single act of daring greatly.”

Being brave, risking rejection and sharing that which feels scary and vulnerable is part of having a great sex life.

I hope you take a risk this week or dare to feel vulnerable at some point during the week and see what is on the other side.

Have you ever risked being vulnerable sexually and been rewarded with feeling so very alive?  I’d love to hear in the comments!

To courage,

Charlotte Mia Rose

March 21, 2013